Take a break
How to pause an argument
The short answer
To pause an argument, name the break out loud, say it's about the conversation going well (not about ending it), and step away somewhere calming. For example: "I want to continue this when I can give it my full attention. I'd like to take a break first." The Gottman Institute suggests breaks of at least 20 minutes when someone is flooded, spent doing something soothing rather than rehearsing the argument.
What to say
Keep it short, and make it about you rather than them. You don't have to promise a return time if you can't.
- "I need a break from this conversation. I'd like to come back to it after dinner."
- "I'm too wound up to listen well right now. Can we pause?"
- "I'm stopping for now. This isn't me giving up on it."
During the break
Do something that genuinely calms your body: walk, get water, sit somewhere quiet, notice what you can see and hear. Try not to replay the argument or draft your rebuttal — that tends to keep you wound up.
Breathing exercises help some people and not others. Simple grounding (naming things you can see, feeling your feet on the floor) is a good alternative.
Coming back — only if it feels safe
When you return, start small: "Thanks for the break. Can I tell you what I was trying to say?" If a conversation doesn't feel safe, you never have to return to it. See our safety page for support.
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Quick grounding · no breathing needed
Take a break · optional timer
Want to say something first? Try: "I want to continue this when I can give it my full attention. I'd like to take a break first."
Nothing is saved or sent. You never have to return to a conversation that doesn't feel safe.
Common questions
How long should a break be?
Long enough for your body to settle. The Gottman Institute suggests at least 20 minutes when someone is flooded. It's okay to take longer.
What if my partner won't let me take a break?
You can still step away calmly. If someone repeatedly blocks you from leaving a conversation or a room, that's a safety concern, not a communication problem.
Sources
Keep reading
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