Boundaries
How to set a boundary
The short answer
A boundary describes what you will do, not what the other person must do. State what you're not comfortable with and the action you'll take if it happens: "I'm not okay with being shouted at. If it happens, I'll step away and come back later." It doesn't need to sound soft to be respectful, and you don't have to share a boundary if doing so could put you at risk.
Boundary vs. demand
A demand tries to control someone: "You can't see your friends without me." A boundary is about your own actions: "If plans change last-minute, I'll go ahead without waiting."
Examples
- "I'm not going to discuss money after 10pm. Let's pick a time this weekend."
- "If the conversation turns to name-calling, I'll leave the room."
- "I need an hour to myself after work before we talk about plans."
Safety comes first
If you're afraid of how someone will react to a boundary, trust that feeling. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (US) and Government of Canada resources can help you plan safely.
Try it — free, private, in your browser
1 · Choose a starting point
Say what you will do — clearly, without controlling them.
A boundary describes your own actions. If sharing it could put you at risk, you don't have to share it — see our Safety page.
2 · A few short answers
3 · Your draft
Private by design: your answers never leave this browser tab and aren't saved — closing the page erases them. Copied text stays on your clipboard until you copy something else. This is a starting point; change anything that doesn't sound like you.
The iPhone app adds 9 situations, saved messages, and a guided way to decide what happens next.
Get UnFightCommon questions
How can I express a boundary?
Name what you're not comfortable with and what you'll do if it happens. Keep it about your actions, not controlling theirs.
What if they ignore my boundary?
Follow through with the action you named. Repeated disregard, especially with intimidation, is a sign to seek outside support.
Sources
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